What I've learned about Swine Flu

1. The system in place for dealing with swine flu is actually quite rubbish. Okay given that it is a pandemic and the NHS couldn't deal with everyone that either has or suspects they have it, it is still a bit rubbish. You have two front line options, visit a website that tells you the symptoms or listen to a phone message via a 0800 number that tells you the symptoms. Basically we are in the realms of self diagnosis as the symptoms are quite broad. Then once you've self diagnosed yourself but still need to know what to do - as in can I get a tamiflu thing or do I just put up and shut up, you then re-phone your GP who has to call you back. You could be the 25th person in a panic that day so don't expect niceties or sympathy. The best you can hope for is are you alive, can you breath then stick with the misery until it passes.

2. Wear flat shoes - you get very dizzy and quite confused. Your balance isn't great, they don't really talk about this element of swine flu. I'm guessing if you are a pig then four legs are better than two.

3. Drink lots of fluid - really really drink tons of water or squash and my new friend vitamin water. Vitamin water is probably a pointless indulgence but it feels like a great substitute for tamiflu stuff and sympathy see 1.

4. Drink coke - this is particularly helpful for the tummy/bottom troubles you may encounter. If you have ever considered Alli diet pills then get swine flu first and then you will get over thinking about choosing Alli. Put it this way, if you saw SATC the movie and remember Charlotte's unfortunate incident, then swine flu can cause this sort of thing as does Alli. It is avoidable by sheer will and the skin of your teeth. Coke helps in the battle.

5. Aches and pains - your head hurts, your arms hurt, your legs hurt. To alleviate this you are recommended paracetamol. I say make like a pig, go round on all fours, it stops you falling over and takes your mind off the pain for a moment.

6. Rest - once you start it is hard to stop bed rest as the fatigue is quite chronic. It is worth showering and dressing in the morning just to make the effort and then get up now and again. It makes you feel human and less swine like.

7. Have water by your bed at night - you will cough a lot in the night because your throat will produce flem. In fact you will get a sore throat. The cough is the driest most pointless cough you have ever had.

8. Eat - you will actually eat like a pig. Your body needs calories to fight this virus and you won't lose your appetite. This is why they say it is a mild flu in most cases. Believe me it is not that mild an illneses, though I accept it is a milder form of flu and not as serious as avian flu, you feel like poo and if you are very unlucky you will smell like poo too.

9. Make a film - don't let anyone tell you you can't make a film when you've got swine flu.